Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode--and into a Life of Connection and Joy

I am so grateful to see more and more conversations (and BOOKS!) taking place in the faith community regarding mental health, trauma, therapy, etc. Try Softer fills a much-needed gap, and it does not disappoint! As someone who has dealt with the trauma of losing a child, who has spent over a decade as military spouse in a world at war, who has uncovered childhood trauma, and who has been on my own healing journey -- this book felt like a long-lost friend. It was like an open-door invitation into healing and hope with author Aundi Kolber standing there with her arms open wide ready to receive you gently. Ultimately, the author extends to us what our Heavenly Father offers. Kolber interweaves some of her own personal stories and struggles as well as those of her clients (she’s a therapist), but this book really differentiates itself by the wealth of clinical information and expertise Kolber shares. For someone who loves stories and loves information, this book has both! This book really helped usher in God’s compassion and gentleness into my life and helped me relinquish areas of captivity by finding freedom and rest in “trying softer.” There are treasures in this book that have taken me over a decade to learn as well as new ones I’ve never before uncovered. Kolber’s knowledge, wisdom, relatability, and the inclusion of practical tools were immensely helpful. I have already returned to it a handful of times since finishing and will continue to use it as a resource in my own life. If you’re a fan of Brene Brown (but want something more Christ-centerd), if you’re ready to do some “soul work” as I like to call it, if you’re tired from the exhaustion of striving, if you have a loud inner critic, I highly recommend you grab this and start reading. While I read through it quickly, you may want to move slowly through it if you’re new to some of the concepts Kolber writes about. She does an excellent job articulating and explaining the information but some areas by nature may weigh heavy on you. I think you’ll also find the reflective questions helpful in absorbing and finding transformation as you read like I did. Thank you Aundi Kolber for sharing this work with the world! I know the world is going to be a better place as people learn to “try softer” after reading your book. Here’s one of my favorite quotes: “Every sorrow we’ve grieved, every fear we’ve felt, every trauma and all the pain we’ve lived through—it’s all valid, and it all matters. More significantly, the hard things that cracked us open have the potential to create space for deeper joy and resilience. As we try softer with ourselves by attending to and listening to our bodies and emotions, we become vast like the Grand Canyon, because our ability to hold the full experience of our humanity increases.”

This book is written powerfully and includes an invitation to thrive. The author has included some of her sessions with clients that illustrate practical methods to connect with their hearts, heads and bodies. Most interesting to read these stories as part of the total process. She is a survivor of trauma and this aspect definitely aided her in 'healing others'... This book is written in two parts with the first one being 'Process of Becoming' and then Part 2 which is 'Practices to try the Softer Approach'. The reader will also be able to grasp the process more easily with illustrations throughout. I learned more about my brain than I had ever known and the manner in which different parts interact with each other. One example is the 'limbic system' which I found most interesting. A few key points for me included: 'what happened in you life matters, the concept of white-knuckling', setting boundaries, grounding, and top=down comfort'. The Benediction at the end was also powerful. The invitation to thrive also included 'be still' with the Hebrew word 'raphah' mentioned. The most important point for me to read was the portion 'Big T or little t'....The analogy of a deep knife wound to a paper cut' is powerful..For me, I have had 3 Big T events in my later life and am eternally grateful for the counseling afforded me by the Veterans Administration...I can attest to the fact that the Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) Treatment worked well for me. The author asked what the most difficult part was for the reader and setting boundaries was for me initially. Now, many years later, after I have set boundaries it is that others don't respect them. So, that portion remains a 'work in progress'. So, I continue to state them with the hope that someday they will understand the reason I have set them. This is a must read book for those that are looking for expert advice on personal growth. As she states 'personal growth is a journey, not an event'. One step at a time ...go at your own pace and feel comfortable in your journey. Just excellent advice coupled with her perspectives on how to achieve living 'softer'. The inclusion of the verses from the Bible were also so uplifting to me. My highest recommendation for this book...Will be recommending this to many others! Most highly recommended.

If I could recommend a how-to book for life, this would be it. This is a book about listening to our own body, setting boundaries, processing the hard things that happen to us, and developing self-compassion. Raised with implicit and explicit messages to 'try harder' my entire life, this work comes to me at a time when I was trying harder in every area of my life. Trying harder with my faith. Trying harder with my body to whip her into shape. Trying harder with my self-compassion, which literally does.not.even.make.sense. Full of practical exercises and timeless wisdom that brings in anything from therapeutic techniques to neuroscience to breath work, I found this book to be more helpful than a lifetime of Sunday of sermons and four degrees (including nursing school) in terms of how to actually LIVE an integrated, healthy, wholehearted life. If the techniques and exercises inside are the 'how' of what it means to try softer, then the radical ideas of self-hospitality (my understanding of one of the big ideas of the book) are the 'what and why' and combined they have created a seismic shift in my soul that I have needed for a very long time. At war with myself for many years, I have been on a journey to unlearn the habits that had me trying harder, but making no progress. (Think 'emotional treadmill' and you will get a picture of a girl putting in SO MUCH effort, but really getting nowhere.) This book is everything I wish I had after my divorce. It's everything I think I should have learned after a lifetime in church. It's science and faith, practicality and wonder all wrapped up in one. It's the work of heart of a woman who is fiercely soft, if those two words can belong together. I am undone in the best possible ways reading and re-reading it. I have purchased 7 copies of this book for Christmas gifts and can say in 37 years of life, I have never (ever) done that before, but that is how much I believe in the message of this book. For anyone who didn't know that try and softer were two words that could belong together, this book is your invitation to heal the most important relationship in your life: the one you have with yourself. Thank you, Aundi. I do not know you, but my life is changed because you wrote this book. Writing a review seems like such a small token of thanks, but I mean these words with all my heart.

“Once we are out of survival mode, our bodies, minds, and spirits can finally bear to consider our stories and the reason we are so emotionally dysregulated.” — Try Softer I just finished this book, and man, what a book. The words feel more than just informational for me — they feel relevant and personal as I spent a large portion of 2019 in therapy for extreme trauma. Aundi’s words are a good reminder that even though the last year of therapy has been really hard, the reason it’s been hard is because I’m no longer in survival mode and I can figure out what is happening. Learning to listen to my body and engage my pre-frontal cortex and make sure my whole brain is working. Sometimes this feels like a curse, because it requires that I think everything through, but it means that I am engaging my brain in a whole new way and reparenting myself. Not only has Try Softer helped me see the value in my journey this far, it is helping me reframe some of my current frustrations about healing. I am able to thing about how I am reacting. My prefrontal cortex is paying attention! This is a new groove on the grass as I like to say. My story is being honored in Aundi’s words. I needed this book ten years ago but I wasn’t ready for it. I’m so thankful it exists now, and I hope and pray it will be for so many others what it is for me: helpful, loving, and validating. It combines research from respected trauma and resilience researchers with theology in a way that is smart and accessible. It is practical and soft in all the best ways.

“Try harder” is something so ingrained in my life that I didn’t even realize I constantly tell myself this over and over. Aundi Kolber’s title of Try Softer was an immediate wake up call to my heart before I even read the book. As someone who works in a trauma informed workplace, I really appreciate how she brings these newer ideas and practices to life in a way that is doable. Learning about how trauma shapes us and how we can move forward is so important for how we care for ourselves and for others around us. The questions and exercises at the end of each chapter are wonderful and a great way to stop, slow down, and process. I highly recommend this book.

I have pages upon pages of quotes from this book. Not only is Aundi brilliant - but learning to "try softer" will change your life - it sure has changed mine. The message of this book has transformational power - especially if you have experienced trauma or currently struggle with anxiety, depression, perfectionism, people pleasing, or stress. Or if you are a therapist, pastor, or human - read this book! White knuckling is not the way to "life to the fullest." There is a different way, a better way, a way that includes honoring yourself as beloved - it's the try softer way. This book will help you learn to pay compassionate attention to your needs and experiences. I appreciate that Aundi doesn't shy away from talking about Jesus. She beautifully integrates her faith with her education, training, and personal/professional experiences. In Try Softer - you will understand attachment and learn how to repair your attachment with your Heavenly Father. If you have church wounds or have experienced spiritual abuse or bypassing... read this! This book is a RESOURCE! Aundi so practically provides strategies and techniques such as grounding, mindfulness, breath prayers, containment, embodiment and brilliant psychoeducation regarding the neuroscience and research of healing and recovery. She's original yet quotes all the leading experts such as Bessel van der Kolk, Dan Siegel, Stephen Porges, Brene Brown, Henri Nouwen... The book is drenched in God's love and Scripture. It's an integration of faith and mental health, psychology and theology. Aundi is the real deal and I know she means the words on the pages. For me personally - Aundi's words helped me to have the courage to own my story and take up space. I'm going to Try Softer during 2020 - and live a life of resilience and thriving - thanks to this book!

So good and easy to understand. I loved the exercises at the end of the book!

“Trying softer isn’t about knowing or doing the right thing; it’s about being gentle with ourselves in the face of pain that is keeping us stuck. Because no matter how hard we try, we can’t hate or shame ourselves into change. Only love can move us toward true growth. This is the love given to us by a gentle, kind, compassionate, good God—and the love we are invited to give ourselves too.” I absolutely loved this book!! Therapist Aundi Kolber has a unique ability to pull matters of faith, trauma, parenting, self-compassion, psychology, and neuroscience together in a beautifully woven tapestry that demonstrates what it means to “try softer.” She explains relevant concepts like attachment and neuroscience thoroughly but clearly. She seamlessly links the journey of healing to our spiritual journey and relationship with God. I learned so much from reading this book and came away feeling encouraged and inspired. Highly recommend this to anyone who is working in earnest toward personal growth and healing!