Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters Hardcover – April 11, 2017

I had my daughter in the first wave of working mothers. Most women of my generation were raised by stay at home moms in nuclear families when divorce was rare. We were absolutely clueless what was incoming. We had been told by feminists that our babies would be just fine with third party caregivers, in daycare or with nannies or fathers/male partners. It was a big fat lie and complete utter deception. This book pulls back the curtain, provides the contemporary research and explores the reality of babies and mothers. The fallout of the deception is mentally ill teenagers, addictions and suicides because their core identity and ability to bond, self reflect is shattered. My daughter is a survivor, but lost 15 years to drug-alcohol issues and she in therapy dealing with childhood trauma from a resentful absentee father (who left when she was 2) and three nannies who were less than ideal (the last one was an alcoholic). All gone by age 2.5 - these disruptions were terribly damaging. The book reports children of the very poor and very rich suffer similar issues because of the third party caregivers. Middle class babies do better as their mothers are more likely to stay home and can't afford to pass them off on others. If you have a baby, you need those first three years and this book explains exactly why. Ignore this critical information at your own risk. Rehab is a LOT more expensive than three years at home with your baby. Been there, done that. Save your own children. So many of them don't survive. A "successful" career mom.

This is one of the best books I have ever read on why children (especially little ones) need their mothers... A LOT!!

I had no idea the academic literature found daycare had so many negative outcomes on children’s well being. We’re constantly told by Sheryl Sandburg that mothers as primary caregivers are not necessary and it creates a culture where we feel we need to put our kids in daycare and get back to work as soon as possible. This book surveys the academic literature that shows a real cost for doing so on the emotional well being of children.

Important book summarizing developmental data about the importance of mothers for the first 3 years of life. Neurobiological and psychoanalytic developmental pints of view are adduced.Coincides with Blackman, J. & Dring, K. (2023). Developmental Evaluation of Children & Adolescents: A Psychodynamic Guide. New York: Routledge

Fantastic book, I think every parent should read this before they have kids to prepare for the emotional needs of their young babies and toddlers. This absolutely changed my parenting for the better.

This book really lays it out and is very honest with where we are at with society. Now if only society could catch up with the real big issues with family structure and the inherit value that mothers have. We are the foundation for the future. We need to take this more seriously. The author has great references and doesn't apologize for truth. Love this book. 👏🏻

Look, I’m exactly the kind of Mom this author would give a gold star to; I am primarily a stay at home Mom who prescribes to RIE and attachment parenting theories. Having said that, her thesis leaves little approval for any other parenting situations. This book definitely promotes the idea of mother as martyr and completely negates the idea that women are actual human beings with thoughts, feelings, and needs outside of their offspring. Nor that there are fathers who play active and nurturing roles in their children’s lives. She passes a lot of judgement on women who aren’t able to stay home while offering very little tangible advice for people who can’t/or dont want to give up their careers to still foster securely attached development in their children. If people had to read this before getting pregnant no one would have children. While I certainly found much of what she wrote validating to my own life choices, I wouldn’t want my daughter to grow up to feel like having a child means sacrificing all of her own needs in perpetuity.

I’ve heard many reviews of this book that say it is guilt tripping mothers - mothers who work, mothers who use a screen now and then to distract a baby while they clean the dishes, etc., and believe that is a total misread of this text. Komisar is not saying that mothers who do these things are bad, at all, but rather that our society is misdirected in its priorities and that it causes mothers and their young children the most harm. I found this book helpful in reconciling some of my own ambivalence about becoming a stay at home mom, and would say that it would be equally helpful if I had chosen or needed to work instead. Komisar is honest about what studies say infants need and also deeply aware of the brutally unforgiving social climate that awaits mothers and parents once they give birth. She offers practical advice to both parents and policymakers to better equip all parties to support a nurturing environment for young children.