Intimate Connections

My therapist recommended for me to read this book. There were good segments of the book that were very helpful. Skim through the book until you find the chapter you want to read.

The most powerful and effective advice on loving yourself that I have ever read or heard anywhere.His idea that really helped me gain a sense of self-reliability and self-love was that when you're already a fully formed adult, you actually don't need others' love in order to be happy or survive in life.You only need one person to complete you, one person who will always have your back, who will always be there for you to love and comfort you.That person must be you before all others.His Pleasure Predicting worksheet helped me to see that I did indeed enjoy doing things by and with myself very much, and although it's nice to have a boyfriend or friends to hang out with, I am capable of giving myself the love, support, and entertainment I need.Everyone else is a plus, and not a must (quote from Diane Von Furstenberg---not in this book, but very much in line with Dr. Burns' philosophy).Ever since doing the exercises and learning that concept from Dr. Burns, I no longer feel lonely when by myself, and have learned to fully enjoy my own company when I need time to think and do things by myself.This is one of the most precious gifts I've ever received: the ability to be my own best friend, and the love of my own life. I hope you'll receive it too :-)

Read this book when I was 20 and took years to sink in but it's a great read

I bought this book a year and a half ago and didn't start reading it until just the other day when another book on social anxiety referenced it. This book is by far the most helpful book I've come across to tackle the distorted thinking I've become so accustomed to in my shyness, insecurity and low self-esteem. I haven't been in a relationship in nearly 3 years and have read quite a few dating books in the meantime, and none have really addressed how stuck I have felt. Dr Burns has the experience from his practice to know what he's talking about, where as most other people, whether dating "experts" or "coaches" only seem to talk about their own transformation. The issues that hold us back are simply addressed in more depth.What I really appreciate about the book is how much the statements he quotes from his patients sound so much like the way I feel bad and hopeless about myself and my (lack of) dating/relationships. The book starts out by saying that it's impossible for anyone else to like or love me if I can't do that myself first. I will just come off as needy and desperate. Personal growth and self-improvement are important because they help me enjoy my life on my own more and give me things that make me feel good about when connecting with others.He then goes on to discuss other issues with insecurity, such as feeling like I won't be happy until I'm dating someone (which ironically hinders my energy levels and thus level of attractiveness). There comes a point where we take negative messages (whether from our childhoods or later in life, ie from rejections, breakups, etc) very personally and let our failures bring us down. It just becomes a vicious cycle if we think we'll only be happy when we get the attention we're desiring. After a while of not getting that it just starts to feel hopeless and then our fatalistic beliefs keep us stuck, possibly for years at a time.Other issues include all the cognitive distortions, such as how we convince ourselves that our physical flaws are THE reasons why we aren't more successful with dating... I'm too heavy or bald or whatever. But he reassures us that most couples don't consider looks to be deciding factors for attraction. For every serious distorted belief that harms us, he challenges us to find a rational/logical way to prove or disprove it. There is a lot of "cost-benefit analysis" examples that show the pros/cons of our distortions. I'm not a total fan of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (especially all the writing and responding to (reframing) what we say in our minds), but there's a lot of value even outside of all the "mood logs".He also takes things from a really rational standpoint of scientific analysis. Instead of believing we'll never meet up with the qualities the opposite sex desires, we should ask people (either existing acquaintances, friends or dates) the top 5 desirable and undesirable qualities in a partner. That way we can gather enough data to prove ourselves one way or another. The very qualities that we already have (sensitivity, modesty, honesty, etc) may be the qualities others desire most, and the qualities that society/media say are the most important, probably is the most unattractive. But don't just use logical thinking to get out of our damaging beliefs - actually talk to people (in unpressured ways) to realize how we're telling ourselves damaging beliefs that just aren't realistic.One last big issue with insecurity the book brings up is "romantic perfectionism" - the tendency to never find anyone who is "perfect enough" . I've definitely done that where I set an impossibly high standard and feel hopelessly alone because of that. My "must have" list is quite possibly too specific/detailed. Nobody is going to be the perfect match, but we can get over that distorted fear/paralysis and be open to getting to know people. We can't know what potential we have to work with if we never become curious about others. Maybe they're closer to being more like our ideal mate than we realize. What he doesn't seem to mention (which I think strikes more at the truth) is that we feel so insecure in ourselves that once we start compromising in standards, we won't have the self-esteem to set boundaries and make wise judgments as to who is "good enough" - so we don't take chances at all unless the person meets all our criteria.The only downsides of the book are the sections that feel a bit dated or bougie - mainly the parts on flirting and where to find people to date. The author is a bit full of himself when talking about how easy it is to find worthwhile activity groups, as the SF Bay Area is pretty darned affluent. The section on dressing well may be better suited for mainstream style but his main advice of not underplaying our physical attractiveness could be applied to any sub-culture's general style (every sub-culture has certain images of attractiveness).His main advice for finding people to date is through personal ads (newspapers, since the book is circa 1985). You could theoretically apply that to online dating these days, but I haven't found any success in that regard. I think there are a lot of issues with online dating for both genders. His 10 pages of "rags-to-riches" advice seems to be based on a single person's story about her personal ad stating "must have yacht" and her adventures being wined and dined on the water by some pretty affluent gentlemen. So pretty irrelevant for the 99%.His advice on flirting should be taken with caution, as he seems to recommend that men be over the top with their advances. I would think maybe in the right circumstances and sense of humor/rapport, it could be taken positively, but I'd be extra cautious these days to not be insensitive to women who might be sick of being objectified. It's probably ok to still compliment a woman on her smile but I wouldn't say anything remotely sexual until I got to know her better. But that's just me. The book maybe is lacking some of the practical dating strategies that you can find better advice elsewhere, but it definitely helps address the big psychological issues inherent with insecurity, shyness and low self-esteem. It's about as close to seeing a therapist as you'll get, I'd say.

I am still single, but that is my fault. Dr. Burns tried to help me. I just didn’t want the help.It’s nice being single with my plants and my doll collection. Even nicer since this book helped my “sexualty”.Perhaps wonderful events might arrive should I shift my cognitions and behaviors, Dr. Burns.For now, I am happy to return to virgin Bloody Mary’s and nights of solo Scrabble and Wheel of Fortune.Let me know if you read this book and have different luck.Thank you.

I’m a therapist and I find this book to be a helpful tool. I would recommend this especially to anyone who’s struggling with shyness and wanting to date with confidence.

I read this book, which was recommended in another book I was reading. It's hard for me to believe that the scenarios described are still valid, the dating scenarios seemed unfamiliar in today's culture. The cyber culture that we exist in had not been in existence at the time the book was written. There's also been, at least in a couple chapters, a heavy emphasis on flirting and implied sexuality. I was hoping to find something that was more than a person to sleep with. I don't know, it's helpful in some ways, but not what I was looking for.

I have read many dating books and this is the best with clinical approach. Burns sums up in one sentence 'People want to get what they can't get'. He gives practical step by step guide to develop these skills from flirting to romance. He gives recipe for loneliness by asking to be happy with oneself first. He suggests lot of interests to develop to become interesting person. It is like a best friend sitting next to you and teaching you what to do. No mumbo jumbo but practical no-nonsense approach from one who is pillar of cognitive behavior therapy. Thanks doc for writing this practical book. It rate it better than feeling good !

Maybe the book seems quite dated today or maybe some advice seem so shallow and totally irrelevant, even contradictory to true self-esteem (the pages about the importance of "dressing smart and buying expensive clothes" which should make you look attractive come across as so stupid that they leave at loss for words).Yet, the self defeating cognitions make sense and the whole book is based on cognitive therapy (the same principle as David Burns' other books). But contrary to the "Feeling Good" book, I would take everything with a pinch of salt, all the more as some paragraphs and demonstrations are a bit patriarcal and don't show a great openness towards diversity, which seems weird for a psychiatrist.

The book is awesome but it revolves mostly around American-style dating situations, so I don't think it really targets the needs of the Indian audience.

David Burns is an angel sent to help us all here on earth (in my opinion) and is also a great writer, very funny and engaging ...I've now got all of his books and they have really changed my life for the better. Easy CBT exercises that are really life affirming. Forget the poisonous big pharma pills and let David Burns sort your mind out :)

Zuvor habe ich das bekannteste Werk von Burns gelesen, "Feeling Good".Wie auch das erste Buch ist dieses ein wundervolles Werk für jeden, egal ob depressive Verstimmungen vorhanden sind oder nicht.Ich lese es gerne immer wieder an Tagen, an denen ich mich unmotiviert oder einfach insgesamt etwas unwohl fühle, da die verständnisvolle und aufmunternde Art des Autors meine schlechte Laune immer wieder vertreiben kann.Da es sich auch im Englischen an alle möglichen Zielgruppen richtet, ist das English leicht zu verstehen. Wenn man die bereits geschriebenen Rezensionen auf Englisch gut verstehen kann, sollte auch das Buch an sich keine großen Probleme bereiten.Alle wichtigen Aspekt werden in Beispielen und Dialogen nocheinmal erläutert und so dem Leser nahegeführt.Da es für den Einen oder Anderen vlt. wichtig sein mag, möchte ich erwähnen, das Burns keinerlei religiöse Überzeugungen nahebringen will, diese jedoch aber auch nicht ablehnt. Er lässt sie ungeachtet, da der Fokus auf die eigene Person gerichtet sein soll.Für mich ist es eines der wichtigsten und wertvollsten Bücher, die ich jemals gelesen habe.

This book is dedicated to lonely,shy peopleI hope that reading it will help you love and appreciate yourself and in the process learn to get closer to others.という序文です孤独に悩む人、恋人がいない、恋人と心の距離を感じる、そんな人に読んで欲しいです。自分の不完全さを受容する、自分を愛することができるようになる本です。面白いし、とても勇気づけられますよ。You can find a loving partner！！！