"Don't You Know Who I Am?": How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility

My thanks and gratitude to Dr Ramani Durvasula for writing this most enlightening book to inform and empower victims of narcissists abuse. Dr Ramani's insight into narcissistic patterns of behavior and solutions for how victims of narcissistic abuse can deal with narcissists, is a welcome voice of sanity and reassurance, for those of us who have 'fallen down the rabbit hole' of narcissists' twisted, distorted and perverted model of the world. At the Narcissist's core is cruelty, and all other vices spill out through it.So, here's what I learned from this book: Narcissists are self-loathing, self contemptuous severely disturbed and dysfunctional individuals, who project their self loathing, self contempt and unscrupulous actions onto others. When narcissists behave hatefully and contemptuously towards you, they're simply telling you how they feel about themselves. Emotionally stunted having the emotional maturity of children. Narcissists are small children in grown up bodies. So, if you feel comfortable having sex with Narcissists, let alone having a child with a narcissist. Having a child? With a child? You feel comfortable having sex with one who is essentially a child? Sex with Peter Pan/Wendy? WOW! Narcissists will commit crimes against you in the guise of care and concern for you. Narcissists have neither appreciation for others nor appreciation for anything. An infinitely bottomless pit of greed and ingratitude. Enough is NEVER enough for narcissists because they have an inner hollowness/void of self that can NEVER be filled. Much the same /similar to Black Holes in Outer Space that insatiably suck up/annihilate everything in their path. This hollowness /void in Narcissists/Sociopaths/Psychopaths is described by many mental health specialists as the very real and true face of toxic evil. Not Satan, not the Devil, but the hollowness/void within Narcissists/Sociopaths/Psychopaths are the true embodiment of the most toxic evil. NSPs mistake kindness, sincerity and integrity for weakness and stupidity and license to take advantage. How smart is that? When you do Narcissists a kindness, they will gladly accept and simultaneously resent you for it and then PUNISH you for it. How sane is that? Narcissists will twist and distort your words to ensure that you end up offending and insulting others by proxy. Narcissists will also accuse you of their own actions, (projecting) and hold you responsible for THEIR OWN actions. Turning you into the bad guy - by proxy. Truly crazy stuff in their brains! Anti-Social Personality Disorder was previously known as MENTAL/MORAL INSANITY. But no matter the terminology, crazy is as crazy does! Narcissists habitually call others derogatory nicknames. Narcissists want everyone to hate. Narcissists need to have someone they can all hate and scapegoat together, because when they don't have someone they can all hate and scapegoat together, they end up unleashing their hatred onto each other. Narcissists can only be happy when they're making others unhappy.The worse their severe mental disturbance/insanity/crazy, the worse they speak of others behind their backs, and the worse they speak of YOU behind your back. Narcissists slander and assassinate others' character with impunity, because they have no conscience. Smear campaigns and character assassination is the Narcissist's forte. Narcissists LOVE gossip. Others' misfortunes are a huge source of enjoyment and satisfaction for narcissists. Narcissists neither hold themselves responsible nor accountable for their own actions and failure. It's always someone else's fault. Blaming and projecting their own failure/s onto others. Smearing their own turds onto others. Narcissists think they can walk in the rain and not get wet. There is nothing Narcissists would not stoop to, to get their own way. Predatory, stalking, threat and blackmail form part of their MO. Whatever it takes to get their own way and get what they want, regardless how it affects others. Their insatiable thirst for public admiration, accolades, wealth, power and status to bolster their non existent self worth. Publicly presenting themselves as wonderful upstanding citizens, while destroying others where there are no witnesses. Humans are considered by narcissists merely as tools and pawns to be used and discarded. Like someone once said, "If the only tool you have is a hammer, soon everything begins to look like a nail". No-one exists nor is part of the narcissist's total and all consuming universe of self absorption and self interest.Narcissists lie, cheat and steal. This defining trifecta of behavior goes hand in hand with their love of Money, Power and Control. If a person lies, then they most certainly will own the rest of their rogues gallery of behaviors. Lying, cheating and stealing is at the very core of their mind blowing dysfunctional nature. Narcissists don't share, are jealous of others, vindictive and vengeful. The "Cruelest Coupling of Malice and Revenge" ~ Wm Shakespeare. Do yourself a favor: AVOID NARCISSISTS LIKE THE PLAGUE. Narcissists are like the HERPES OF CIVILITY and at their very core, BREATHING, WALKING, TALKING TOXIC EVIL. Their insane sense of self entitlement causes them to wreak havoc and destruction wherever they are. Narcissists consider themselves above the Law. They will stop at nothing to get what they want - they would even threaten to murder one who stands in their way of getting what they want. Narcissists will isolate you from your friends and loved ones. They hijack your family and friends and turn your family and friends against you. Narcissists destroy lives, families, careers, reputations, communities and even countries. Narcissists will help you, then harm you, then blame you for it...and then PUNISH you for it! How sane is that? Narcissists have a "Lord of the Flies" mentality. Narcissists will sooner throw you under a bus than help you. Narcissists will assault your humanity until you are destroyed and annihilated. Narcissists are only nice to you when they want something from you, and or want to manipulate you and take advantage of you. Narcissists are also nice to those that they are afraid of. Walking, talking, breathing, mental insanity and moral insanity.That's how beyond crazy are narcissists. Their self loathing, and severely unhealthy self esteem, combined with their non-existent self worth, drives them to keep trying to convince the world that they are perfect. But...they can never convince themselves, because they know they are deeply flawed. The epitome of self hatred and self disrespect. Everything Narcissists say about you is really what they're saying about themselves. It will open your eyes to a Narcissist's true nature. Narcissists are self disrespected. Because respect begins with self and when there's no self respect, there's no respect for self, no respect for others, no respect for the Law and no respect for anything. Narcissists are the embodiment of all that is self disrespectful.Apologizing is anathema to narcissists. They would much sooner prefer a direct lightning hit to their skull, than apologize. And if they do ever apologize, it will be without remorse and or simply used as a tool to get what they want. Narcissists continually seek external validation because they cannot stand to be alone in their own company. Considering Narcissists' extreme self-loathing renders them incapable of internal self validation, is it surprising their relentless pursuit of others' admiration and external validation? Narcissists were either ignored and or smothered/over indulged as kids. Neither loved as kids nor as adults. Narcissists harbor a deeply rooted anger/rage and self hatred. In a divorce, Narcissists will trash their ex to their kids and to the world. Which is in itself, a vicious act of the utmost cruelty and violence against their very own kids whom they profess to love. Hurting, harming, stunting and crippling their kids emotional development and emotional well being. Essentially taking their kids emotional hostage. Whereas parents who do not trash their ex to their kids, and to the world, offer their kids an incredibly selfless gift of love. And while it may neither be recognized nor appreciated by their kids and the world, it is nonetheless a commendable and worthy accomplishment. So, be how you want your kids to be, because your kids will become like you. Be a person of integrity, because without integrity, we are less than nothing.Narcissists go out of their way to annihilate everything and anyone they perceive as a threat and or feel inferior to. Their all consuming inferiority complex drives them to destroy everything they wish they could have and destroy everyone they wish they could be. They have a lifelong chip on their shoulder, believing that the world owes them and have delusions that they are above the Law. The sheer magnitude of Narcissistic self entitlement defies all comprehension. Narcissists are like under-socialized and overly indulged children that have adult bodies aka emotional cripples. Narcissists punish and use others as scapegoats in the present, for what was done to them (done to the Narcissists) in their past. Sanity and normalcy forms no part of Narcissists' quality of communication. Hopefully in the not too distant future, those who aspire to positions of leadership and authority, will first need to pass mental sanity tests before they can be considered for eligibility.Fortunately, the world is becoming VERY MUCH MORE AWARE of how Narcissists are, and what they do. MORE AND MORE Narcissists are being exposed and held accountable, ending up with their just desserts. Their trade mark "NARCISSISTIC SMIRK" wiped off their face. Think: Jeffery Epstein, Roger Aisles...Narcissists are DANGEROUSLY DISTURBED individuals who are beyond ill, and beyond crazy. Apparently mental health facilities won't admit narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths to their facilities because they can't help or treat them. In any case, virtually all of the above anti-socials don't believe they have a problem, and don't want help/treatment/therapy. Because truth and severely disturbed dysfunctionals are not friends. Therapy would mean facing up to the truth and SHARING. Sharing is ANATHEMA to Narcs! Narcissists tend to begin with borderline crimes against others, that escalate until the Law and or KARMA catches up with them... Sooner or later...Criminals and prison inmates mostly have severe personality disorders. Narcissists are criminals, regardless if they've yet been caught out and or imprisoned. Every hour narcissists are out of prison, they're away from home. Is it time the Law gets up to speed with the facts of this scourge of modern day life? The fact that anti-socials are endangering/destroying the balance of global peace and global stability? And the fact that so many anti-socials are in the highest echelons of power? After all, is the Law there to keep us civil?Narcissists think they can take what they want without consequences. Narcissists are a danger to civil society.Apparently humanities driven businesses are now posting greater profits than purely money driven businesses.Narcissists have no friends - they only have cohorts, accomplices, co-conspirators and sycophants aka "Flying Monkeys". A narcissist will never have your back, unless you are their cohort, accomplice, co-conspirator, flying monkey. And that's conditional, because no matter who you are, once a narcissist has no further use for you, you will be discarded and abandoned in no time. Oscar Wilde described it perfectly: "He has no enemies. But is intensely disliked by his friends". Are Narcissists' "friends" their cohorts, accomplices, co-conspirators, sycophants/Flying Monkeys?Narcissists are extremely TOXIC, DANGEROUS individuals who present a charade of being human. But they can never be human, because they do not own the qualities associated with being human - namely: empathy, compassion, conscience and sympathy. According to human behavioral specialists, Narcissists' defining lack of human qualities, is an inner infinite emptiness and hollowness, that is the root cause of all that is evil.Little do Narcissists know that if they owned their conscience, they would be perfect human beings. If narcissists only understood that they can have a life filled with love, peace and abundance, if they prioritized kindness, sincerity and integrity as their behavioral default. Unfortunately, narcissists don't want love, peace and integrity. They only want infinite control over others, infinite wealth, infinite power over others, infinite attention, infinite adoration/admiration and to cause as much drama, destruction and catastrophe as possible. Mind blowing insanity hiding in plain sight! If you could be a fly on the wall in the family home of a Narcissist, and witness what happens behind closed doors, you would run screaming for the hills. The timeless classic British TV series 'Keeping Up Appearances' says it all in the twisted, distorted, dysfunctional and Narcissistic nature of the aptly named Hyacinth Bucket ahem "Bouquet" (Hyacinth: a parasitic water plant that strangles and kills all plants in it's path), and the havoc she causes her long suffering husband Richard and long suffering family, neighbors and community. Tragicomedy we can all laugh and cry about, and if we have the slightest insight, we might even learn something. Narcissists spend their lives showing off and keeping up appearances. Narcissists are chronically and endlessly dissatisfied. You can NEVER please a narcissist, because narcissists don't want to be pleased, they only want endless power, control and wealth. Social media seems to be tailor made for Narcissists. According to a number of psychologists, any individual that has over 300 friends on social media is more than likely a Narcissist. Narcissists are the embodiment of unhappiness, providing us all with a road map of how not to be. Should you ever find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, jealousy, lies and insecurities...Don't be mad...Remember things could be worse: You could be them. Question: what if everyone who's done you wrong, was on the plan to make you great?The real tragedy in life is Narcissists... because if you are oblivious or remain oblivious to the DEVASTATING harm Narcissists cause, Narcissists will take you Emotional Hostage and Financial Hostage and ultimately DESTROY your Life and your Soul. Apparently, Sociopaths murder truth, Psychopaths murder people and Narcissists murder souls.Narcissists' play book: "One rule for me and another for thee"."We are all entitled to be treated with dignity, consideration and respect. To some people that's obvious, to others it comes as important news" ~ Harvard Business ReviewSane people treat you how they want to be treated, because it's only the weird ones that don't treat you how they want to be treatedI highly recommend reading this book, because the information in it will save your sanity, save you a lot of unnecessary heartache, and may possibly save your life. The GREAT news is that Dr Durvasula has written a new book - It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic PeopleNarcissists know the words, but not the music..."How we are as adults, is a reflection of what each of us learned as a kid, in the place where we were raised" ~ Anonymous'The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice' ~ Theodore Parker

TL;WR: It's a great book to understand those toxic dynamics in your life, be it family, friends, lovers, coworkers, or strangers on the street.I started this book before "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by Dr. Ramani, and for some reason the other book is easier to read so finished it first. Perhaps because there was more relational stories or the book was less researchy in nature.Either way, this book is worth the read, very thorough, very educational, very useful for a deep understanding of what causes narcissism, the different types you'll encounter (as in in family, in friends, in romantic partners, at work and such), and how best to deal with it in each type of relationship (where as the other book mentioned is entirely for romantic relationships).This book provides a framework from where to interact with difficult people in your life, in your vicinity, and in the world at large as it is a growing issue we all experience. It helps understand why the other people are behaving how they do, without excusing the behavior, to help you understand that it is not you. You suffer the consequences of others, but it is not you, and you can grow around all the toxicity so it doesn't affect you in the same way.

Dr Durvasula gives such an excellent, detailed and insightful glimpse into the world of anyone who has suffered emotional abuse, been estranged and dealt with narcissism at any level including all of its variants that result in chronic abuse. As she herself lived through it, she is able to write with compassion and analysis as well as such a thorough understanding of how these horrid problems develop, how they affect a survivor and what needs to be understood and done to begin to heal over many years. This book is a must read for any survivor trying to understand what has happened and what needs to be done, in a field poorly understood by many or most therapists. I learned a tremendous amount from this as well as her many videos on YouTube. She puts her heart and passion into this topic 100 percent unlike any other author I’ve read on most any subject.

Doctor Ramani is such a sweet humble down to earth person. She does not even let it go to her head, how pretty and smart she is. This is just what seen from her videos. I started watching her YouTube videos during the pandemic to understand why people are so mean. Her videos were life changing. I learned to assert boundaries and understood there are some people you just can’t make happy. She honestly made me empathize with narcissist. She mentions how narcissist don’t have an identity and are just vast voids looking to be filled with others sorrows from lack of honesty with themselves.

An in depth look at this topic. Helpful.

I do not recommend the paper back version

Good quality and interesting book

Helps you understand and cope

This book is vital for anyone in a family, married, working with a group of colleagues, a community member, deals with customers, participates in elections, or has a boss. As we all know, the spectrum of humanity is varied, and not everyone is easy to understand, get along with, or easy to relate to. Dr Durvasula has an engaging style of writing and succinctly explains the various types of narcissists with a clarity often sprinkled with a dose of humour. I would say this is one of the most enlightening books I've read in my rather long life. I wish it had been available when I was much younger, and entering the rigours of adulthood somewhat wet behind the ears.

Todo materias dessa pscóloga vale a pena. Alémvde muito didática ela é expert no assunto e é renomada no campo do comportamento narcisista. Kota 1.000

I am so grateful for this well-researched, and insightful examination of a hotly debated area of psychology. What I needed most was a resource that highlights the areas of disagreement when it comes to defining and dealing with narcissism. This feels like a balanced and neigh full approach to the topic which-most importantly-offers compassionate take on humanity on both sides of the toxic relationship. I appreciate how Dr Durvasula is able to offer a well-informed opinion that empowers and guides the survivor, whilst acknowledging and humanising the narcissist as well. I think it’s highly problematic when narcissistic people are dehumanised and demonised-when they are in fact as human as anyone else. However, I also think it’s equally problematic to suggest that because of this fact, we victims are the ones who should take up the cause of ‘fixing’ those who have traumatised us with their toxic behaviour.The guidance in this book takes a healthy and nuanced position on the problem of healing from narcissistic abuse that offers practical insights whilst acknowledging the complexity of the situation that arises when that toxic person is a family member, spouse or colleague with whom you may still wish to continue some form of a healthy relationship. I think with any hotly debated topic, it’s well worth reading more than one resource-rather than assuming one book is the definitive and objective answer. However, I can’t imagine I’ll come across a more well-balanced and human-centred approach to this topic than Dr Durvasula’s. Her podcast and YouTube videos also provide wealth of helpful insights into a topic about whichI feel society needs a greater level of awareness. It feels like toxicity is an open secret that no-one is willing to really grapple with. A book like this is exactly what is needed to challenge the apathy, enabling and victim-blaming culture we live in. On the one hand, our culture puts the narcissist on a pedestal, on the other, it seems to disavow its existence and blame the victim for their lack of effort. I appreciate how Dr Durvasula is willing to challenge this damaging way of thinking that minimises the struggles of many who are subjected and damaged by relationships with narcissistic people, and indeed systemic narcissistic culture. My hope is that her work will continue to raise awareness of this issue because it crosses over into cults, religious fundamentalism and Conspirituality-which touches all of our lives.

This book is a treasure one NEED to read. It helped me understand a lot of behaviors around me, and made sure I do not fall into toxic relationships or behaviors myself! Brilliant writing, very accessible to anyone interested in psychology. A must read!

Dr. Ramani, This is Dr. Tapaswini. I am a paediatrician. I have been following you since 2019, till then I never heard the word narcissism. Because of you, I recognized this pattern and my life changed for better. I don't have words to thank you. I owe my life to you. I suffered from my childhood, inspite of excelling in studies, I was always doubting and second guessing myself and always full of anxiety and confusion. My self-esteem was very low. Since 2019 , I have started healing myself and living my life instead of surviving. I saw this pattern from childhood, constantly trying to find out what is it but confused and disappointed. I witnessed domestic violence for 22years and was bullied at school for 7 years. But now I am fine. I am proud of you ,you are an angel to me. Thank you so much. Lots of love from India.