Unmasking Narcissism: A Guide to Understanding the Narcissist in Your Life

I bought this book to help better understand my mom, and after just the first chapter I was no longer reading it with her in mind, but with myself.It answered so many questions I had, explained why I struggle so much, and offered tips and guidelines for communicating with narcissists. The only problem is that I'M the narcissist. So now I'm on the hunt for new books to help me heal my empty soul and remove the mask.100% recommend this book.

This book is simple enough to understand, yet has deep insight into narcissistic behavior. The author is careful to note that there are people with narcissistic traits who DO NOT fall under Narcissistic Personality Disorder or full blown narcissism. The author directs the reader to the main source of NPD: a lack of self. People who suffer from NPD lack a concrete sense of self, and they engage in destructive behaviors in order to fill that empty void in their hearts. The behaviors and tactics described in this book achieve the narcissist instant gratification, a false sense of self based on superficial/arbitrary values. The narcissist spends all of his/her energy convincing people that they are this ideal self, while simultaneously hiding his/her broken self. The positive feedback the narcissist receives from people buying into the false self, coerces further their deluded belief that they are this false identity. Negative feedback however, causes the narcissist to split his/her world into black and white. They fall into a deep low, and begin to devalue everything around them. This inability to reflect upon themself and work on their real self, is the most tragic reality of the narcissist. Understand that what we would call a disagreement, the narcissist sees as a threat to his/her personhood. Also, what we exercise as personal sovereignty, the narcissist regards as defiance and disrespect to them. This is all due to their poor sense of self. They have no solid ground to stand on, they have nothing to fall back on; it's as if these people have no identity. When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you feel like your life is being drained from you, you begin to lose yourself in a maze of bitterness, resentment, confusion, and shame; you are often left emotionally abused, overwhelmed and exhausted. This is the narcissist transmitting their own emptiness and shame unto you. They first see you as a saint, then when they realize you are imperfect, they withdraw all your good energy and replace it with their own negative feelings about themselves, then convince you that you are the one whom is the problem. Then when they are tired of you, they move on to the next best thing. All of this is insight I gained from being married to a narcissist. Ettensohn put into words all of the feelings of dread, brokenness and abuse I have felt for 10 years. Ettensohn provides useful advise on dealing with narcissists. Simply creating boundaries helps protect you from being completely "sucked dry". He recommends no contact if the narcissist is abusive. He makes clear however, that narcissists are human and can be helped, if they choose to. Ettensohn describes how it's like when a narcissist confronts the emptiness of his/her soul: a crisis. A rush of shame, guilt, and self hatred arise. They are exposed and left extremely vulnerable. Therapy can be very painful for them, but it is necessary if they want to break free from the disorder. Sadly, therapy can also be extremely frustrating if the narcissist's goes in denial, and starts to feed off on the good energy of the therapist too. Overall, this book a great help. Ettensohn earnestly speaks to the reader about narcissism. He is articulate, and offers genuine insight. He does not load the reader with negative stereotypes of narcissists; instead he uses smart examples from fiction and real life. I'm glad I chose this book over many other to read.

Easy to understand book and unlike some of the other reviews that bashed the author for taking some sympathy on a narcissist, I'm encouraged that he leans toward trying to make a relationship with a narcissist work. Obviously, if the relationship is mentally or physically abusive he says get out. But, not all narcissists are full blown and it's been refreshing to see that some people just have narcissistic tendencies and can be dealt with. I myself am learning from this book some skills to cope with a person who I love who just has some tendencies and who truly is a loving person. We all have our faults and I have learned from this book to not make excuses for that person but to know that they are most likely not aware they have these tendencies. I'm not a pushover person and I expect to work hard on relationships that are important to me and this is no exception.

This book gives great insight on Narcissism, and helps you understand what is going on in the narcissist's head to cause him/her to act as they do. I finished it in one sitting, and I filled it with highlights because it was so insightful and I know I will keep going back to it. It is the best book I've found so far explaining how to live with a narcissist in your life, instead of most books that just basically say "they're evil and you must get away from them". It explains there are ranges on a spectrum of narcissism, so it is helpful if you have a narcissist in your life that is not abusive or malicious, but the things they do are selfish and they make you think you are crazy. Now that I understand a bit more, it is easier to recognize the unhealthy behaviors and set boundaries for my own well being.

I haven't finished the book but wanted to share that it has already helped me! Like another reviewer, I was hesitant when I first started reading it. At the beginning, the author says we need to empathize with the narcissist and put ourselves in their shoes. In fact my comment in the book says "I'm going to vomit. That's the last thing I want to do." But I decided to read on…I heard a humanist say a few months ago that even though it may go against all your beliefs, you should always throw yourself full force into another person’s shoes, just for a little bit and try to understand where they are coming from.My favorite part of the book is there are some actual sentences to use for communicating with the narcissist. I am always so shocked during an N attack that I never know what to say to defuse the situation. I am constantly insulted and berated by my soon to be ex-husband. Currently, he is complaining about two parenting issues – that I of course am completely incompetent at whereas the N states “he [our child] can come live with me and I can handle both issues.” Using the author's technique in the Fueling vs Defusing Stephanie's Story section to respond, I received a reply from the N that had no defaming statements from him, he actually apologized.So thank you Dr. Ettensohn! That is the first email I have received from him that hasn’t made me sick to my stomach and anxious. What a great feeling! I am excited to finish the book and am happy to have this great resource to turn too.I received this product for free in exchange for my honest and unbiased review.

Reading this to understand my (abusive) father but also to understand myself - yep - I'm one of them as a result 😒. Fantastic book; at first I'd thought it was too beautifully published (nice paper, big font etc) to try and sell more, but the content is indeed amazing. Well, painful at times to read when you realise what you're like, but very informative and not judgemental/ patronising/ condescending. Really recommend.

This book was an electrifying revolution in understanding, for me. Funny thing is, it is all stuff that I have observed, but without the clarity this book provides. It makes real, gut level sense. My only criticism - and it's a big one - is that this wasn't written years ago. Anyway, I know what to do, now.

Very well set out book that kept you reading.

An expert and accessible introduction to the topic that does much to demythologize and explain narcissism. I came away with a more sympathetic understanding of narcissists.

Very interesting book. Easy reading and informative